So today I’ve had a complete breakdown (or what I felt was a breakdown). I woke up to a text from a family member that said “Hey kristen…just saw your email….i didn’t even know u were pregnant and that u had a miscarriage. ..when did this all happen….why didn’t anyone tell me?” That’s basically how I started my day. I think if I wasn’t currently going through ALL that I’m going through, that text would not have been a big deal (selfish, yes, but not a BIG deal). But lately I’ve been walking around with my emotions on my shoulders. Literally. So that text sent me into an emotional breakdown.
I’m okay now…I’ve cried my eyes out and asked God “why me”? Why us? Why are we going through so much. It seems like it’s been one thing after another for the past year and a half. Or I guess you could even say for the past almost 3 years. Basically ever since we found out we were dealing with infertility. We all have our struggles, and like each challenge we’ve faced, this too will pass. But it’s hard when you’re in the thick of it.
Right now I’m struggling with my decision to just be a full time doula (amongst other things). Although the decision was made almost 2 years ago, I’m still questioning whether or not it was the right decision. When I really think about it…I’m only questioning the decision for financial reasons. With that being said, 10 times out of 10, it was the right decision. Challenges typically come with obedience. I knew it would be hard, but knowing ahead of time still doesn’t make it any easier when the going starts to get tough.
I even pulled out my resume today and almost started updating it. I considered applying for jobs but then God said “Did I ask you to do that?” I must say, this journey is tough, man. It really is. I pray that God gives me peace, first and foremost. I need peace and comfort before anything else. I also pray that he continues to provide for us. He has thus far so I have no reason to think that he won’t continue. I also pray that he gives me clear, concise directions. I want so desperately to just do his will. I want to do what HE wants me to do.
I really think that God has something huge planned for me. I believe that I have to go through what I’m going through, to get me to where God wants me to be. I know that my challenges are strengthening my faith, marriage, and character.
I’m just thankful that I have the Holy Spirit with me at all times (John 14:16). It’s almost as if he’s here for damage control. He seems to come and clean up the mess that the enemy has tried to create in my thought process. The Holy Spirit reminds me of the things that God has told me…the promises that have been made. He reminds me of the promises that God made even before I was created. He reminds me that HE who began a good work in me will continue HIS work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns (Philippians 1:6 NIV).
As I write all of this, I realize how grateful I am. I’m grateful that even through all of this, I can come out victorious because victory has been promised to me (Romans 8:37).
Romans 8:31
What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?
Kristen D. Johnson
