Whew..I hear some say that God won’t give you more than you can bear, but Lord, I don’t know how much more I can take. I think, however, that he will give you more than you can bear ALONE. That’s why we aren’t supposed to carry these burdens alone. We’re supposed to give them over to him. Matthew 11:28-30 says Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.” This has been one of those situations where I want to run from God. I just want to cry…just sit and cry. I have to be stronger than that though. I have to draw near to God.
I went through Christmas knowing that I was carrying a baby that was no longer living. Can you imagine that? Most people can’t. So they gave me cytotec (Misoprostol) to induce the miscarriage. For most people, that works within a couple of hours…24 hours at the most. It didn’t work for me so they ended up prescribing a 2nd dose. That dose didn’t work either. It didn’t make me cramp, didn’t cause any spotting or anything. I went back to the doctor today and they decided to schedule a D&C to remove the baby. I did not expect things to go in that direction but then again, I didn’t expect any of this, yet here we are.
This has been the most emotionally draining experience I’ve ever had in my life. In the past 13 months, I’ve dealt with the challenges and emotional pain of infertility, the murder of my baby sister, and now losing my baby. Not to mention the fact that my first IVF cycle didn’t work. To be completely honest, it’s a miracle that I’m not a complete nutcase. I’m realizing though that God wants me to share my story. He wants me to show others that you can get through ANYTHING with him by your side. As of now, I’m still standing and I won’t give up. I will not allow this to defeat me. Stanley and I will NOT allow this to come between our marriage. This situation has insteadI brought us closer together and even closer to God.
I have difficult moments and I know I will continue to have those moments. I know that this grief has just begun but I also know that I WILL NOT be defeated by it. I will still rejoice.
We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. 4 And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. 5 And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love.
Romans 5:3-5
Kristen D. Johnson
