Not sure how to even start this post. Not really sure how I have the strength to write this post. We went in for our followup ultrasound and found that baby B’s sac was empty as we saw the week before…and baby A no longer had a heartbeat. I no longer had a viable pregnancy. As I was laying on the ultrasound table, I saw the look in my doctor’s eyes that told me the news before he actually spoke them. I remember when he walked out of the room to give us a moment alone, I started shaking. I was too shocked to cry at first. The first words that came out of my mouth were “what am I going to tell my baby”? What was I going to tell her? She was finally going to have a younger sibling or better yet, maybe 2 younger siblings at the same time. How do I tell her that her younger sibling had gone to heaven to be with God before she even had a chance to meet them? Pure grief…that’s what I feel.
Stanley and I walked out of the examination room and spoke with the doctor. He gave us the option of coming back to the office this following Monday to confirm that there isn’t a heartbeat (he was sure of it but wanted to give us that peace of mind) or I could go ahead and take the medicine that would induce the miscarriage as it would take my body some time to realize that the pregnancy was no longer viable. We chose to wait and have a followup ultrasound on Monday. To be honest, I remember feeling weird the day before the ultrasound that confirmed there was no heartbeat. I just didn’t “feel good” but I didn’t know how else to describe the feeling. The ultrasound showed that the baby stopped growing on or around that day (8 weeks 5 days).
I was and still am so confused. I’m in utter disbelief. How did this happen? How did God bring me this far for this to happen? I read so many studies and research that shows how the chances of miscarriage drastically decrease after you’ve already heard a heartbeat. Not to mention that the chances continue to decrease as you move further along in your pregnancy. At almost 9 weeks, I truly thought I was out of the woods. I never would have imagined for this to happen.
So far, I haven’t felt any cramps or any signs that my body is going to miscarry on its own. I will probably end up taking the meds to induce the miscarriage. He wants me to collect the baby once I pass it so that tissue can be sent off for genetic testing. Not sure how I feel about that but at the same time, I want to know if this miscarriage was caused by a genetic issue.
What a way to spend the holiday season. I want to pray but I don’t even know what to say. The only thing I can say is “Jesus, help me”. I want to know how he could allow this to happen to me. I want to question God. I want to be mad at God….but I also want peace from God as I know that He’s the only one that can bring me the peace and comfort that I need to get through this. We’ll get through this. We just have to trust God like we’ve been doing.
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
Psalm 34:18
Kristen D. Johnson
Prayers for you momma. We lost our sweet boy at 20 weeks in November and we have an older son. The hardest thing I have ever had to do is hold him while he cried learning that his baby brother went to heaven. This was my fourth pregnancy and I too thought once we had one success that it would be easier, and even had doctors tell me throughout the pregnancy even with complications the chances were slim of losing him. Yet here we both are. Grab hold of that peace God so graciously extends. We live in a fallen world and there is no other explanation. But God is so merciful to us even though it doesn’t feel like this is mercy. As mommas our treasures are our children and God has stored some of those treasures in heaven for us. Take comfort in heaven. Our babies have only ever known love and have only ever been perfect. “Store up your treasure in heaven…for where your treasure is, there your heart will be also” -Matthew 6:20-21 How great is God that he would offer us heaven and give us the peace of knowing that is where they are. My heart and love and prayers are with you.
Sooo sorry for your loss! Thank you so much for taking the time to read about my journey!!
Kristen
You the truth Kristen! Stay close to God
Sorry for your loss. I cannot even image the grief. God hasn’t forgotten you. He must be preparing you for a great work. This will help so many others to make it through. Thanks for sharing. I can’t wait to see what God has in store for you! Hold on to God! ❤️❤️❤️
I cant say i know or understand how you feel because i DONT. I can assure you that God makes no mistakes and that you time is coming, be patient and keep your faith!! Through prayer all things are possible!! Philippians 4:13 ” I can do all things through him who gives me strength ” that alone will give you healing and peace!!! Love you cousin ?
Love you too!
Kristen
Oh Kristen, my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. I can only imagine the grief you must be feeling. Take comfort from your wonderful husband, sweet girl, family and friends. And accept help, like you have so generously given to so many, when it’s offered by those and other extended family mwmbers/previous clients. Will text you. Love you, my sister. I pray that your heart heals and you find peace.
Thank you Anna! I love you and appreciate your kind words!
Love,
Kristen
To Aunt Curly’s Kristen…My baby, I had no idea that you and my Stanley were going through this. My heart is saddened. However; I know, that I know that the God that we serve “Works all things together for our good.” His word never returns void but accomplishes that which it was sent to do. I’m sure you appreciate kind words and it helps with the pain. I also know that it doesn’t change the situation or erase the disappointment and sadness. GOD is able to do all things…exceedingly, above all that we can think or imagine… that includes granting you and Stanley the desires of your heart. WORDS are powerful! Therefore I choose to speak with boldness and confidence. I declare and decree in the matchless name of JESUS that you and Stanley will usher in this precious gift of “LIFE” a beautiful healthy baby at GOD’s appointed time. Glory to GOD, Hallelujah to Jesus! It is DONE! Love you my child! Love you more than you’ll ever know. Aunt Curly
I love you so much Curly!!
Kristen