I’m devastated. Stanley is devastated. I’m not pregnant. All the money that was spent. The emotional investment that was made and it didn’t work. Of course no one can give an exact reason for why it didn’t work but my doctor assumes it was a chromosomal issue with the embryo. He says that it’s rarely something other than that in a case like mine where there aren’t any issues on my side. I actually knew that it didn’t work before we even went and did the blood test. I broke down and did a home pregnancy test 2 days before we were scheduled to go to the doctor. Obviously it was negative. So once September 24th, 2015 came around and it was time to take the test, I was already prepared for the bad news. I had already spent the past 2 days crying so I didn’t cry when they called to tell me the blood test came back negative. We found out this news the day before our 5 year anniversary. What a way to celebrate our anniversary. We didn’t even bother buying anniversary gifts because we just KNEW that our gift to one another would be this pregnancy. This is so devastating.
We still decided to jump right back in and go for another round. What do we have to lose at this point? At least we’ve met our deductible so we would only be spending money on the medications. This won’t be nearly as bad because all it will be is a frozen transfer (FET). My doctor gave me the okay to start the next round so as soon as my cycle started, I was able to start the birth control pills. My mind is already going 1,000 MPH. What can I do differently this round? Should I do acupuncture? Should I try all of those “tricks” that I read about in my forums such as eating pineapple core and avocado and Brazilian nuts? My emotions are all over the place. I just want this to work. I just want a baby.
The reality is that only God can give me that baby. It doesn’t matter how much money we spend or what home remedies we try, this is ultimately up to God. He opens my womb. For whatever reason this is part of my testimony. I know that he won’t give me more than I can bear. I will lean on him now more than ever.
God arms me with strength, and he makes my way perfect.
Psalm 18:32
Kristen D. Johnson
