The emotional roller coaster of trying to conceive is the same every month. I’m sure that anyone who has been trying for awhile can attest to this truth. For me, I have a newfound hope whenever I start noticing ovulation symptoms. I try to find joy in the little things. For example, at least I ovulate on my own. There are some people who struggle with reproductive issues and have trouble ovulating, so I’m thankful for that. I’m also thankful that I have a pretty regular cycle every month. However, every month when I began to feel like my cycle will start soon, this dark cloud hovers over me. No matter how much I try to convince myself that it doesn’t matter, I know that deep down inside it matter and it matters A LOT.
I surprise myself everyday with my sanity. I know that sounds crazy but sometimes I feel like it’s literally a miracle that I’m sane. Considering all that I’ve been through over the past year, it is truly a miracle from God. This is all God and none of my doing. If it was up to my flesh and human nature, I would be depressed. I choose joy. I wake up everyday and choose joy and peace. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not always easy to “choose” joy which means that I MUST depend on the Holy Spirit to lead me. I must take heed to the Holy Spirit’s guidance. I have to be sensitive to His presence and His voice.
So with all of that being said, as much as I FEEL sad because I’m not pregnant this month, I know that I must still be joyful. I still have to trust God. I have to trust that He will work all things together for my good. I have to believe that no matter how things may look at this moment, He’s always working on my behalf. I trust Him.
And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.
Romans 8:28 (NLT)
Kristen D. Johnson
